Love one another, but make not a bond
of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between
the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from
one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat
not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous,
but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone
though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each
other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain
your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near
together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow
not in each other’s shadow.
- Khalil Gibran
“I want a relationship that completes me, that makes me feel needed. I want to be with someone who can truly understand me and love me for who I am.” One often hears this sentiment expressed, and if we dissect this, we can understand why most of our relationships are filled with angst and struggle, be it with our partners; children; parents; friends; colleagues.
Wanting a relationship that completes us, is like expecting someone else to experience our pain on our behalf. It is not a regular possibility. We have to figure out what the emptiness within is about, and learn to fill it, by embracing all aspects of our own self, without judgement or rancour. The unconditioned love that comes from experiencing moments where we can be without clinging to some identity or thought, where all separation from everything else disappears, is one way to truly experience a completeness of our own being. A true homecoming. Anything else will leave us wanting, and no one else can make that journey for us.
Often we find that if we do not love our own self, we will never believe that someone else loves us. The subconscious belief that the other person is lying about their love for us, or that we do not deserve what we receive, will end up with us sabotaging the relationship without realising we are doing so. It happens is very subtle ways, with us often not recognising that it is so, and after destroying relationship after relationship, we find ourselves in exactly the same place, until we decide to look within our own selves and solve it for ourselves.
If we believe that we are good looking, we can take critique easily. We will evaluate what is said, see if it is true, and discard it if false. If, on the other hand, we believe we are not beautiful, even if someone praises us, we will assume they are just trying to make us feel good and does not mean what they say. If we receive feedback that confirms our worst suspicion that we may not be good enough, it will lead to a negative spiral, and may end up in an accusatory quarrel or a withdrawal. If we can’t love myself for who and what we are, how do we expect someone else to? And Why?
The expectation from someone else to understand us, also makes us terrible communicators, expecting others to magically read our minds and figure out what is going on with us. When this need is not met, again we are disappointed or upset. It would be a lot easier to say what we want to , without expecting people to be mind readers, but we carry this notion that others should understand what we want. Sounds a bit impossible doesn’t it, for normal humans? Can we do it for others, all the time?
We also put high, unreasonable standards on ourself and the others, leaving us unsatisfied no matter how much effort we put in, or the other does. We want our children to be perfect, though we can accept flaws in other kids, we want our partners to be super human, though we are not, we want our homes to be spick and span, even if we are juggling multiple things at the same time. This often, paradoxically is the very reason we end up not being able to do well what we could have easily done, for the mind is in overthinking drive instead of being available to what is to be done in the moment.
We sometimes stagnate in relationships that are toxic for we do not have the courage to set boundaries, to seek our own freedom in or out of the relationship, to live life without guilt or fear. We get so attached to the identity that relationship defines for us, that the loss of that specific identity becomes so strong we will go through a lot of hardships than rick losing that identity.
We forget that we are constantly changing as is the other. As we change, the way we relate to the other changes, and we become nostalgic about the past, or grateful for the change. If we can embrace the change, it liberates us. Sometimes we want the other to change and are disappointed when they do not. To free ourselves and the other from the need for change or for constancy, allows us to experience each other as we are.
Relationships are mirrors for us to look into, to allow for all the hidden dramas to emerge from the depths of our soul, to give us the wherewithal to transcend our limitations and notions, to churn our very being, so we can emerge whole and complete, on our own, but in perfect harmony with the others.
So maybe we could reword our need as, “I am complete, as I am, all I need to do is drop everything that prevents me from recognising it, and from this completeness, I will engage with others, so I can truly love them, irrespective of how they are to me.”
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