“One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.”
― Carl Gustav Jung
Don’t we love to be told that we are loving, generous, wise, sincere, warm, and so on. We have a warm feeling that envelops our being. What happens when someone calls us miserly or lazy or stupid or crazy? We are most likely going to remember it even after a decade, for the hurt they cause dents our very being.
Can all of us have only positive qualities in all situations? Forget about all of us, can even one of us be that? Have you come across anyone who is all love and compassion, all the time? Probably not. And yet, we hold ourselves to this very high standard of being perfect, whatever that means.
The first meditation retreat, of ten days silence, was not light and bliss. It was pain and tears mostly. For the truth that I was scared to see had surfaced. I was not the best gift to mankind, as I hoped I was. I could see the nasty, mean side of me, which had remained hidden, for I had pulled wool over my eyes. Of course, subconsciously I knew it, and that always caused my stress, angst and anger. But seeing my shadows, in all their naked glory was too painful, and yet paradoxically, liberating.
We live in a world of duality. So if we exist, a shadow will too, unless it is too dark to see there is one. When we throw the light of awareness on the shadow side of our being, observe it objectively, and accept our mortality, our greed, our anger, our selfishness, we give ourselves permission to become whole again. To integrate all our dimensions without judgement. In doing so, eventually, the selfishness disappears into this light of awareness. Even if it does not completely go, it does not have a strong hold on us. We notice it become easier to let go of it and then it no longer bothers us that we are crazy sometimes, stupid sometimes, angry sometimes, and covetous sometimes.
The obvious shadows are loud and visible to us and the world, but there are shadows that are present which are very subtle and not very prominent. A big one here is pride. Even a simple thing as helping someone can bring a sense of superiority, which eventually leads us down a path of judgement, comparison and all the baggage that brings.
The biggest ally in this journey, is a sense of humour, a connection with our feelings and a deep sense of repentence. When we realise we can laugh at our folly, deeply regret the hurt we cause others, cleanse ourselves with our confessions to our inner voice, become aware of all that causes heaviness in us, and promise ourselves to be more loving and joyous, the burden of life lightens. We will make the same mistakes over and over, and yet, with great patience and awareness we overcome the ignorance of separation and let our heart melts and becomes softer and fully malleable. Then the others lose their power to hurt us with their words. The only thing that will still hurt us is their ignorance, and we will bless them to find their shadow, embrace it, and become whole. For as long as we are alive, we are likely to have a shadow.
ASHAMED
I was disappointed
In myself
Wanting to be like the heroes
Wanting to be anyone, but me
Haunted by negative spirals
The lack of self worth
The feeling of being
Never good enough
Cant get anything right
Cant say the right words
Hearing all my life
“What is wrong with you”
What is wrong with me
I think
Day in and day out
What is wrong with me
Why cant I be like that
It is so simple
Why cant i do this
It is so easy
Yet I don't
For I can't
Though I try my best
I just can't
In the angst
Of no self love
In anger I asked others
What is wrong with you
And suddenly one day
It just dawned
Nothing is wrong
With me or the world
All I need to do
Is accept what is
What I am
What the other is
Right and wrong
Happiness and suffering
Good and bad
Exist, but in my own mind
When I seek not
To avoid grief
And crave not
Only happiness
When I accept rejection
And acclaim equally
The eye and the storm gone
Leaving behind the calm
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