“He who blames others has a long way to go on his journey. He who blames himself is halfway there. He who blames no one has arrived.
– Chinese proverb.
I had finally met someone who understood me. A total stranger. More than 20 years ago. He was a client for my corporate gifting business and we were talking work when out of the blue, he looked at me and said, “You are suffering deeply.” I did not know how to respond, so I kept quiet. It was true, I was suffering deeply, something none of my close friends too knew about, for externally I was a fun loving extrovert. Something within me felt relieved that someone knew what I was feeling. His next statement however, angered me. “You are responsible for it,” he said. How dare he? What did he know about me or my circumstances or my situation? What did he know about what kind of sacrifices I had made or what I had to deal with?
Many days later, once I had sufficiently cooled down, I found that his words had a sticky quality. There were pasted in bold in some part of my mind and had left a deep imprint. The next two decades was an exploration of that thought, and I realised how true it was. Not only in my case, but it is a universal truth. No matter where we are and what situation we are in, the suffering we go through is completely in our control, even if the external circumstances are not.
As is popularly said, pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.
What I was going through was so silly and insignificant compared to what Viktor Frankl went through during the holocaust, and yet he choose meaning and purpose in those difficult circumstances.
The nature of the problem is not the problem, it is how entangled we become in it, is the problem.
It could be as silly as how the glasses should be kept in a kitchen shelf or where the potted plants belong, but to our minds it is a suppression of our individual choice and freedom and we get so caught into a game of victimhood or revenge that we forget how ridiculous or meaningless our problem is in the first place.
As Kabir says, चला, बुरा न मिलिया कोय । जो दिल खोजा आपना, मुझसे बुरा न कोय।।
“When I started to look for evil, I couldn’t find any. When I started to look inside my heart, I found out that I am the worst.”
We can become so caught up in our past troubles or in imaginary worries of the future, blaming those who caused us pain, or could cause us pain, that we forget to live joyfully with what is available now, in plenty.
Letting go of those disturbing, unsettling events embedded deeply in our mind is not easy. But we have to try, for our own sake. And for the sake of everyone around us. For this we have to give ourselves time to acknowledge and heal.
At some point I realised I was solving my problems by not addressing them. I was taking recourse in escapist routes, which temporarily abate the problem, but the moment we are free, it comes up full force again.
When I first started meditation, all my faults became apparent to me. There was anguish in my heart about the kind of person I was, about the hurt I had caused with my words, deed and action, inspiring a deep resolve to overcome craving, anger, insecurities and aversion. It was a tough path, one I can’t say I have fully travelled.
Now there is peace in embracing the humanness, the fallibility, the crassness of my existence and that of the world.
For at the core, we are all one, there is no this and that, and it is a space of deep and perfect love and bliss, a space we can visit anytime we choose to, to abide in, to drink into, to refresh ourselves. A space that makes witnessing of life easy, a space of abundance and grace. To understand the dream like, ephemeral quality of this life. To understand the drama of it all, with its villains, its heroes and comedians, and the entire spectrum in between and that we play all these roles in different situations and stages of our lives.
Though the journey was arduous, I am grateful for all those who pointed in this direction, for it has made life mostly a source of wonder and joy. It has become much easier to apologise, to give up a point of view, to understand someone else, to drop judgements about the nature of existence and the actions of others,to regret deeply any hurt caused and to rectify errors and to find peace in the deep loving space of my own being.
In short, life has become simple and easy, as it truly is.
Very deep and relevant piece. I've been trying to walk this path for a while myself and still have a way to go. Let's meet and talk about it sometime soon.